38 weeks pregnant and I have hit an emotional brick wall. I am a total hot mess. Psychotic, anxious, sad, resentful – The long list of positivity goes on.
I understand its natural, I understand its hormonal and yes I understand I will eventually feel differently….but that doesn’t make it feel any less real or vile!
My pregnant friends say they feel similar, one cried because there was rocket on their salad. The pregnancy apps (god like authorities on all preggo related issues) say its fine, its normal. BUT ITS NOT FINE and IT DOESN’T FEEL NORMAL!
I consider myself to be a logical, practical, almost ‘black and white’ person. One of my key strengths is cutting through bullshit and thinking in a balanced and reasonable manner. I am a direct (bordering on blunt!) person who can put emotions aside and make difficult decisions. This is the me that I am familiar with.
The me who sobs hysterically and inconsolably for over three hours because the bed sheets need changed is a little less familiar – and a lot more uncomfortable. The bed sheets are always changed weekly on a Friday. Lets keep it real – this is clearly not a big deal right? I still have the ability to be objective – I’m pregnant, I’m going to be emotional… So why is it so difficult to write this and to talk about how dreadful it feels?
I know I am blessed! I should be really happy, my very difficult pregnancy is nearing an end. I should be excited to meet the baby soon – We are so close to the finish line (38 long weeks!!). HOWEVER ….the critical importance of changing the bed sheets over rides all logic. No one understands how desperate the situation is. How can everyone be so blind and selfish to this plight? Nothing can fix this situation – NOTHING!!!!
I alone understand the repercussions of the sheets not being changed IMMEDIATELY – No one else gets it and no one can help fix it. If the sheets are not changed all else is pointless. How can I have a baby in these circumstances? If I can’t sort the sheets out, how can I be responsible for sustaining another human being? The whole thing is obviously a massive mistake, its too late to change anything and everyone is doomed – Especially me and the sprog. ALL HOPE IS LOST!
Cue hopeless sobbing and potential screaming or GBH if anyone tries to help – or alternatively if they don’t try and help…
This is just one of numerous meltdown examples from the past week. Said meltdowns can be triggered by having to make previously easy decisions (what should I wear? what will I make for dinner?) not having the opportunity to make decisions (I have no choice! I’m being trapped!) being alone (no one cares, everyone’s so selfish!) being with people (I need space and time to myself!!) etc. etc. etc. I’m already huge and exhausted, crying for hours on end isn’t helpful – Why is my mind screwing me this way!?
My usual tricks of being positive and re-framing have failed me. I cant go into solution mode when there isn’t really a problem in the first place. So I’m pacing it out….I’m trying to embrace being a hot mess and trying not to be too hard on myself.
I’m also REALLY hoping sprog comes sooner rather than later!!!